Tummyrumble

Explanation of the obesity epidemic

Currently I am reading "Don't eat this book" by Morgan Spurlock, the guy who made the movie "Super size me". Quite a fascinating and horrifying read. As anyone who saw the movie can guess it is all about how fast food in general and McDonalds in particular contribute to the world wide spreading epidemic of obesity around the world. We as a species get fatter every year, and instead of doing something about it we seem to dive deeper into our junkie hole of sugars, carbohydrates, trans fats and all the other stuff that is so good and tasty in moderation but slowly killing you in excess.

Sure, a little pleasure in your life now and then is well needed. Like my friend Eliott once said, "Everything is good in moderation, even excess". We really need to start pacing ourselves when it comes to food however, we are well past the boundaries of what can be called moderated excess.

Today I received an email, one of those witty ones that circulate among friends and friends of friends around the Internet forever (they are a bit like messages in bottles, bobbing around across the digital ocean...) with arguments in a Q&A format explaining in a very rational way why working out is bad for you.

One of the arguments caught my eye (thanks Anders for pointing that out):

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

I laughed a bit, and then it struck me! This means something! I felt like the guy in "Close encounters of the third kind", when he sits in front of his mashed potatoes and starts shaping an odd looking mountain on his plate...

We all know about global warming. Be it true or not, the theory goes that because of our excessive use of the planet's resources (another excess we need to moderate by the way...) we are screwing up the weather and slowly melting our polar caps. Water levels in our oceans are rising, and fifty to a hundred six to fifteen years from now (revised this after some pretty shocking reports, I am getting quite concerned even though this text may not convey that very well), much of what we call home will be part of the rather boring and so very wet ocean floor.

Which creatures are not only mammals, but also well suited for life in cold and deep waters? Whales. They are also quite intelligent, care about their offspring and even (as Dory in "Finding Nemo" so amusingly taught us, thanks Disney for the educational value of your movies!) have a language of sorts allowing them to communicate over vast distances of dark and cold ocean waters!

Starting to see it?

Stop being scared of the obesity epidemic! It is nature's own way of adapting us as a species to the self inflicted consequences of global warming! Mother Nature, Gaia if you so will, comes to our rescue. With a really thick layer of fat around our bodies, and great floating skills thanks to the lower density of fat compared to muscles, we will be able to survive the rising waters and adapt to our new ever bluer planet.

But what about the health problems, I hear you say, what about the coronaries, the clogged up arteries, the back and knee problems? Not a problem! Once we are all submerged in Earth's great floatation tank we won't put the same physical strain on our bodies hence the risks of being fat will basically go away!

Smart woman, our Gaia, she has clearly thought this through well. Surely The Flying Spaghetti Monster is in on this somewhere, but I have yet to figure that part out.

Next thing you'll see are reports about obese people developing gills. Mark my words, we have a bright future ahead of us as the ruling sea creatures of this beautiful (and clever!) planet!

Worship the butter knives

In Sweden we make the best butter knives. We like butter. To treat the butter with proper respect you need a proper butter knife.

Making a butter knife out of metal, or even worse plastic, simply does not make the softness and golden creaminess of the butter justice.

Butter knives must be made out of slightly dark, big grained, flexible wood with a slight scent of fresh spring forest.

Thickness is important, so as to get the right flex when scooping up the butter with a precise sweeping motion (just the right amount, wiping excess butter from the knife on to the sides of the box is a capital offense when it comes to proper butter worshipping in Sweden) and the right resistance when applying the butter to the bread.

Another crucial factor, often done poorly in the cheap knockoffs we see flooding the country from places like Russia and Finland where they use any kind of crap wood for the butter knives, is of course the surface finish. Properly done, you should not be able to feel the difference between a swan feather and a Swedish butter knife stroking the inside of your thigh.

Swedish butter knives come in various shapes and sizes. Size is not important, neither is shape. The only important thing is that the handle is more narrow than the blade. It should be comfortable to hold and use, so nothing distracts you from enjoying the butter.

Some families in Sweden actually have individual butter knives, one for each family member. I have also dined with families where different knives are used for different kinds of bread, or different occassions (like Christmas, Easter, Midsummer and so on) depending on what time of year it is (can affect the quality of the butter, and type of bread used) if you are outside or indoors (affects the hardness of the butter) and if there is extra salt in the butter or not.

Above all, you must never use the butter knife to spread anything but butter! In doing so, the knife has been soiled and must be discarded from the box of butter knives making sure it doesn't spread the contanimation to the knives still pure.

There. An insight into the Swedish mentality, and how seriously we treat our butter.

If I could get any pet I wanted

If I could choose any pet in the world... If I could choose to get any pet in the world, I would get a circus trained, police schooled, house trained, well groomed, average sized monkey with a really flexible tail and opposing thumbs on hands as well as feet.

Oh, and it has to have had worked for Gordon Ramsay as assistant chef at either Claridge´s or Boxwood Café, where it picked up some of the lovely recipes like the balottine of foie gras, tiger prawn ravioli, basil ice cream or buttered swede mash.

Probably a Proboscis Monkey (see a photo here).

Look at the elegance, the stature, the huuuuge nose! Now, tell me seeing that fellow every morning wouldn't put a smile on your face! Lurvely.

With the training, he could cheer you up when you were feeling down, by either making you great comfort food and bring to your bed, or do circus tricks, a bit of magic perhaps, drive a motor cycle round, round round, really, really fast in a vertical tube, like the death riders of Globe of Death Motor Cycle Stunt Show.

Also, with basically four hands, he could give you a proper match in anything from PlayStation to table tennis. Brilliant. Forrest Gump wouldn't stand a chance against this guy!

Bring him to a party and everyone would want to be your friend, hanging out with the nose dude, with all the party tricks up his sleeve. Swinging from the chandeliers, drinking the punch trough his nose, stealing food from other people's plates with his tail... Just be sure to keep him away from your special energy powder, I mean, LOOK at that NOSE!

If someone ever bullied you, the police training would make sure he kicked anybody's ass in the most humiliating kind of way. Imagine being beat up by a dick faced nose monkey looking like a neanderthal butler with a really bad hairdo...

Yeah, that's the pet I'd want. A Proboscis Monkey.